The Saturday, The Monday, The Tuesday

Again, not a lot on this one.
Scratch that, I'm condensing a few.

The day after, it was different. The whole world, was different. There was a strange light illuminating the whole of this day which made everything seem a bit glummer, a bit more unreasonable and a bit more out of reach.

I kept watching for you to arrive in the office, seeing as you come in later than I do, as I always do. The only thing I really have to say about that day is: it was hell. Literally, hell. Everything I did, I felt a little less competent. Everything I said, I said with a little less confidence. Every (probably) smile I flashed, was fake. I got so stressed out that day. I don't do this often anymore, but I needed a drink.

The following Monday.

Well, what is there to say, except - it happened again. All of those wonderful things that had happened already. Especially holding you in my arms. Being able to call you 'mine', even if  just for a while.

I looked at you, when it started again, puzzled. "I'm doing what feels right for me." Was your reply to my confused stare. I knew it would be the same thing over again. I knew it wouldn't work. But I wanted you so much. Just to be close to you. To let 'what felt right' happen.

The day after.

Guess what happened? All over again. All the pain. all the anger. All the jealousy. Probably more this time. I don't know. I have no idea how to measure these things.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I still don't know what to do.

I still don't know 'what feels right.'


I still don't know, if I can give up so easily.
I do know, that if I don't, I will only hurt myself. That everything that happens after is my own fault.
I just don't know that I can.